I remember it well. Me, with sopping wet bath hair cascading onto my oversized T-shirt-turned-nightgown like a college girl at a spring break contest, running to the TV to watch the latest episode of Blossom. I couldn’t tell you much about the actual show, however. I remember Blossom as a homely girl who had a habit of wearing fishing hats and neon-colored leggings and frequently finding herself disgusted.
Then there was her brother Joey, the spiritual precursor to the Friends version, who filled the role of dumb jock admirably. I’m not sure what drew me to to the show, but the bar was set rather low, as Bob Saget commentating dudes getting hit in the unit repeatedly on America’s Funniest Home Videos was the pinnacle of my television existence.
Joey Lawrence’s memorable character jettisoned him to a family spin-off show and the chance to earn some gold-plated diapers in the music biz. His self-titled album came out in 1993 and, in a word — Whoa!
My brother won Lawrence’s album through a radio station contest under the pretense that people considered his album a prize. In the early 90’s, Lawrence was a Tiger Beat poster child, usurping those haggard New Kids on the Block and predating the iron-fisted rule of Justin Taylor Thomas (JTT, for those in the know).
His style was Disney Channel eclectic — shirts were optional, but must remain open; jewelry in the form of rings, dog tags and Native American artifacts were a must; and a flannel shirt waist belt became the perfect accessory to a bare-chested suit vest or oversized leather jacket. It’s sort of what a real-life bad boy would wear, if a real-life bad boy had sculpted hair and looked like his mom dressed him in a Halloween costume of Judd Nelson’s character from The Breakfast Club.
The album starts off with “I Can’t Help Myself,” a track title that isn’t subtle in its irony. But the real prize is the album’s biggest hit, “Nothin’ My Love Can’t Fix,” a saccharine dream of pastels and pinwheels. A breathy, wispy Lawrence backs it up with powerful lyricism, like this from the rap breakdown:
That we were meant girl me and you
But lately you’ve been acting
Like I smell like a zoo
Philly zoo to be exact
And hey Philly’s my origin
As a matter of fact
But lets get back to the subject at hand
Baby baby baby
Oh you is back in demand
When I look at you girl
My heart goes right into a whirl
And all I gotta say about the situation
Oh oh oh yeah
There’s nothin’ my love can’t fix
Yes, you’ve read that correctly. Lately you’ve been acting like I smell like a zoo. You have to wonder how the executive listening party went for that song:
EXECUTIVE: …Like a zoo?
JOEY: YEA IT SO I CAN TAWK ‘BOUT DEH PHILLY TOWN EN I LIKE DEH ANIMULS
EXECUTIVE: Oh, I see. Is everything okay here?
EXECUTIVE 2: (Aside) Joey has developed a strong affinity for animals after he received a Garfield book for his birthday.
EXECUTIVE: But he isn’t even from Philadelphia?
EXECUTIVE 2: We know. But when we asked him to take it out he started flailing wildly and knocked out a sound technician.
EXECUTIVE: Oh, okay then. Well, let’s go with it.
The Nothin’ My Love Can’t Fix video, quality shown here suggesting a Betamax tape was dubbed from one of those children’s ViewMaster toys, is destined for the annals of the Library of Congress. Nothing exemplified edge more in early 90’s music videos than dancing in front of a graffiti wall.
In a bid to be a little less edgy, the wall has scaffolding thrown up next to it and people pouring buckets of paint. Were his handlers so square they didn’t realize graffiti is made with a trusty can of Krylon, not a bucket of Mautz that Joey was planning to paint his race car bed with?
The best part of the video can be easily overlooked, starting right around the 1:50 mark. I’m not convinced they’re extras, but more likely random people from the neighborhood who came to see why they were blaring obnoxious music. After pleading with them not to murder ol’ Joey, they were shouted directions from a bullhorn to hit a barrel like a drum and run around spastically behind him.
They obliged, and now must live the rest of their lives with people saying “Here’s my friend Barry, he was in that Joey Lawrence video playing ring around the rosy like a total fucking idiot.”
Then there are his backup dancers, most likely paid by being granted access to the craft service table, twirling on roller skates and various playground equipment. The director should have demanded his deli meat back, though, as greater dance can be seen at a tumbling class.
To demonstrate his jock sensibilities, Lawrence plays beach football with a bunch of women trying to tackle him in an innuendo for the ages. When the scene was over, I imagine the director backed his eye away from the viewfinder, let out a satisfied half-smile, and whispered “Got it”. This was the masterpiece that justified working in a meat packing plant.
♫ Joey Lawrence – Justa ‘Nother Love Song
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“Justa ‘Nother Love Song” is the fourth song on the album and so raw that it doesn’t even care about proper spelling. Also, like “I Can’t Help Myself,” is ironically titled to the max. For the rap asides, Lawrence channels Public Enemy-era Chuck D. A dry heaving, talentless one. At some points in the song, I’m not even entirely sure real words are coming out of his mouth. Take this portion, starting at around 1:20:
Feelin’ real bad
‘Cause it truly was the greatest love we ever had
So I feel girl
This was not the time
To break up fight yo we’re ????
(inaudible mumbling) *grunt*
That we used to do
How ever could you said say that I didn’t come through
So hip-hop rock on your head for two (?)
With so little effort like I see you
(Mumbling) Your son almost trashed uh (?)
???? Used to be ??? to have a fair scratch uh
To the bottle, of your so-called list
I feel so intrigued by your stone-torn disc (?)
What the hell exactly is going on here? Did they record Joey having a grand mal and give it a backbeat? When he was in the booth, did he finish a take and they said “Joey, can you give us a little more like you’re vomiting up blood? We really want to be able to feel it.” The guy that had to mix this song must of had a picture of his family on hand to quell his overpowering suicide fantasies.
But hey, that’s justa ‘nother love song. The real tour de force on the album is “I Like The Way (Kick Da Smoove Groove).” No, your eyes aren’t deceiving you — Smoove Groove. But it isn’t an arbitrary misspelling to seem cool and carefree. No, it is a Joey Lawrence-sanctioned dance that makes entirely no sense.
♫ Joey Lawrence – I Like the Way (Kick Da Smoove Groove)
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Before Joey unveils the dance at the end of the song, he petitions you for its necessary existence. “I like the way you love me so I made up a dance / A prance / So you’ll give me a chance.” Translation: I was hoping if did this box step here you’ll totally bone me. Sound good?
But before he even gets into it, he breaks down the fourth wall: “Your momma even said it was sorta hype / But when I show it to your daddy he said boy you’re just too white / And that kinda shocked me ’cause he’s actually right.”
I’m not fully sure of the reason for his self-deprecation. Was he feeling particularly sensitive about the dance he invented? Or does he know he sucks, and intentionally released a full-length album of satire? I’m inclined to believe the former rather than the latter, because no one can honestly produce this piece of dog shit as a joke and not want to go on a heavy drug bender for the awfulness you have bestowed upon the world.
Then he finally gets to the dance, and it goes like this:
1) Shake it to the left
2) Slide to the right
3) Do this to the rhythm while you hold your body tight
4) Make a full spin without getting dizzy
5) Up, down, all around … you got it right
Joey, this isn’t a dance. This is Nick Jr. choreography for hyperactive children. Drunk uncles have been doing this at weddings for years and nothing good has come out of it. Then he gives up at the end, with him essentially saying “Yeah, just move around and shit, whatever.”
It doesn’t really matter to Joey, because before the dance is even over he has thrown you onto his silk seats and removed his vest and jewelry, a process that usually takes over 15 minutes. Don’t worry — he has plenty of flannel shirts to wear for when you traipse around his apartment in the morning.
So that’s just a sampling of all that is be had with Joey Lawrence’s debut. Is it awful? Most certainly. But maybe this album was given to us as a lesson of the worst of humanity that we can all learn from. Like World War II, or pogs. Or maybe it just makes a really good stocking stuffer for someone you hate.
No matter what your intentions, with great power comes great responsibility, so choose how you kick da smoove groove wisely.
Download Joey Lawrence’s self-titled masterpiece (.zip, 115 megs)
Hold on to your forks, folks... There's pie!
This was epic. But I also feel a little stupider for knowing more about Joey Lawrence. Whoa!
Mark sayeth these words on
Monday, February 15 at
4:53 pm
did you realize his vest on the album cover has the same pattern of the drape behind him?
D sayeth these words on
Monday, February 15 at
5:05 pm
i can’t wait to annoy my roommates with this piece of crap, thanks
wat sayeth these words on
Monday, February 15 at
9:19 pm
Dude … dude. Dude?
Hess sayeth these words on
Tuesday, February 16 at
5:34 pm
great stuff man
jim sayeth these words on
Thursday, February 18 at
2:06 am
Speaking of great 90s rap lyrics…who could forget NKOTB’s ‘Dirty Dawg’(”a tramp, a wet food stamp!”).
Both Joey n NKOTB were ahead of their time! lol
Daren Richardson sayeth these words on
Saturday, July 31 at
10:14 am
