The moustache is more than just a frivolty that adorns a man’s (or very handsome woman’s) face. No, it is a lifestyle.
And as such there are unique attributes that can be gained and lost from growing your fledgling follicles into a full-out, testorone-dripping manstache. For your introductory look into the world of the moustache, I’ve kindly listed the myriad of skills acquired for saying “Hey, I just don’t give a shit anymore. Let’s do this.”
Without further adieu, the ’staches:
The Colonel Cletus T. Burnsides
Skills acquired:
+12 Improper hygiene
+7 Fish market employability
+3 Muzzleloader expertise
+1 Salt-curing talents
The Salty Sheriff
Skills acquired:
+9 Lynyrd Skynyrd appreciation
+7 Spittoon trickery
+3 “New York City?!” exclamation convincability
+2 Primer gray Sunbird ownership
The Creeper
Skills acquired:
+14 Peeping Tom conviction
+5 Fashion photography
+3 Brim of nose tinted glasses adornment
+1 Unnecessary lamaze class attendance
The 40’s Muscleman
Skills acquired:
+11 Carnival bell-ringing game ability
+9 Penny-farthing ownership
+5 Bare-knuckle boxing likelihood
+2 Alcohol dependance
The Dirk Dastardly
Skills acquired:
+15 Damsel-capturing
+10 Wiggly eyebrows
+7 Train track proximity
+5 Statue of Liberty detonation blueprints
The Uncle
Skills acquired:
+42 Conversion van ownership
+8 Inappropriate wedding inebriation
+6 eHarmony profile
-42 Halloween participation legality
Hold on to your forks, folks... There's pie!
what, no fu manchu? gimme a break man.
Oh billlll sayeth these words on
Tuesday, October 20 at
12:50 pm
Do flavor savors too, because those are for douchebags.
usular minor sayeth these words on
Wednesday, October 21 at
12:10 pm
There is certainly a dense ecosystem of moustache that I have yet to discuss. It’s sort of like the Galapagos, but furrier. I’ll do another one of these eventually, though.
Rob sayeth these words on
Friday, October 23 at
9:54 pm
Gotta add that one muppet character. The guy in the box seats. +5 prune juice
what? sayeth these words on
Tuesday, November 3 at
2:36 pm
“-42 halloween participation legality”? Eh?
ROSCO JENKINS sayeth these words on
Sunday, November 8 at
11:15 am
haha what the hell is this …. made my night.
anne sayeth these words on
Friday, November 20 at
10:34 am
do some female moustaches. i’ll send u a pic of my grandma
Jim sayeth these words on
Sunday, November 22 at
12:08 am
this real shows off your twisted mind, bravo
Mr. Nickname sayeth these words on
Saturday, December 5 at
9:07 pm
hahaha nice
miiiiike sayeth these words on
Thursday, December 17 at
10:48 am
Please hurry up and do more!!!
Kat M sayeth these words on
Friday, January 22 at
2:40 pm
you should list how they ride, for completionist sake
shark fruit snacks sayeth these words on
Thursday, February 11 at
10:50 pm
